Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
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IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
A collection of me turning into random objects.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*