I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
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Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
I’m in a hotel and someone named Emily has multi mode turned on. Should I connect to her speaker and put on this playlist
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
Fights fire with marshmallows
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.