If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
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pat pat
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.