Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
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You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
A game married people play.
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*