I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
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[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
I’m not stressed
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house