With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
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Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”