Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
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If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
[adds another nod to the conversation]
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
Who.
Did.
This?
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.