[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
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coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
A classic…
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
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