Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
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As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.