ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
You Might Also Like
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
[shakes fist at other fist]
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?