Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
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“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
Meow
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
Me, flirting😏
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee