wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
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[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad