I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
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It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
These work great until they don’t.
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
taking June’s advice to heart
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
This guy gets it.
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti