The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
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Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.