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*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.