What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
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Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
You got this…
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you