My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
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Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.