Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
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“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.