A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
You Might Also Like
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now