When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
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Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*