HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
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Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf