i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
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Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
The Compass
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it