doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
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I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
Speak now or ever hold your peace
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.