IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
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I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it