When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
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12. I think about this all the damn time
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
Found the job I’m suited for
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
Taliband
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.