You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
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Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
I cannot stop laughing at this
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact