As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
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“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
One of the best