[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
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Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!