Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
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me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot