Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
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I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
*pronounces patio like ratio