Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
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ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
Best mom ever 😂
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.