Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
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Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT