Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
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I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
You saw nothing. I am ham.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
This was the best day of my life
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.