I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
You Might Also Like
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
“no gods no masters” = leo
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
How did we not see this back then?
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*