OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
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[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
LOOOOOOL
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly