*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
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My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
good work, everybody
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.