Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
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“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.