Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
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A dating app for angry people- Grumble
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave