you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
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“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
Art by Pastelkatto
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill