[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
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I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother