If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
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Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?