waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
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Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?