My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
You Might Also Like
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
incredible
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.