[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
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Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
Grandmother clock.
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework