Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
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In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.