My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
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*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
What’s this sorcery? 😂
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”