I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
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The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
Venn
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff