WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
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that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
Botany good plants lately?