My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
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[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.