I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
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Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
tell em, edith-anne
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows